Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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