Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
