from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
