Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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