Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
