I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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