I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
