Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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