Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
