She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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