Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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