you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize