You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
