the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize