youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
