You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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