i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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