I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I don't deserve a penis
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
