My brain says no but my pants say off.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
