Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
