You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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