i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
