i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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