last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
