I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
