i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
