I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
