I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
