Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
