I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
