dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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