I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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