His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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