its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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