I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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