I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
And then my night got REAL pukey
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
