I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
