is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
