yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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