im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
