Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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