Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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