and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
