hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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