dude i'm inner monologue high
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
