at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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