I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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