whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
