I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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