I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
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Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
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I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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