just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
