update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
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he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
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Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid