This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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