i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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