I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
