I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
