I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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