I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
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We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
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Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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